The first thing that comes to mind when we hear the term “codependent” is usually an abusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. However, this is not always the case. Believe it or not, most codependent relationships are between a parent and child, not romantic partners. In a codependent parent-child relationship, the lines between protective and obsessive, engaged and over-involved are often blurred beyond recognition. The caregiver/care-receiver nature of a parent-child relationship makes codependency particularly difficult to detect.

Codependency is an emotional and behavioural condition that affects people’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. Often, codependent people have low self-esteem, so they look for anything outside themselves — usually other people— to help them feel better. But codependent behaviours toward your kids can harm your relationship with them, even increasing their risk of mental health issues down the road.

When a parent has a codependent relationship with their child, this developmental process is interrupted. A codependent parent doesn’t encourage independence and separation because they don’t think their child is capable or they aren’t emotionally ready to let go.

Here are a few signs to help you figure out whether your parent-child relationship is codependent.

1) You encourage dependence rather than independence :
You do things for your child that they can reasonably do for them self.
You treat your adult child like they’re still a child.

2) You’re controlling :
You give unsolicited advice.
You think you know what your child should do to improve their life.
You use guilt or passive-aggressive behaviour to get your child to do what you think is best.
Your child complains that you’re intrusive or bossy.

3) You act like a martyr :
You’re resentful of how much you do or give to your adult child and feel your child is ungrateful.
You complain, but don’t make any changes.
You may have trouble admitting when you’re wrong.
You feel angry, sad, and worried.”

4) You’re overly reliant on your child for emotional support :
Your adult child is your only or best friend.
You treat your child like your therapist, oversharing inappropriately with them